Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
