I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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