today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
