My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
