True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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