I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
