Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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