My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
