I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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