I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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