It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
