Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
