I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
