i wish my penis had a tongue
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
