I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
