So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize