one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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