If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
