Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
