I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize