Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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