saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize