remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
