he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
