it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
