Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
