1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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