you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Randomize
