Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
