I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
