I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
