I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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