how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
