ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
