Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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