you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
