My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
