Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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