ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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