I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
