Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Randomize