i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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