I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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