Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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