the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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