It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I just found a bag of teeth...
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
