I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize