This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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