we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
God, I missed his penis.
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