I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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