remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
