Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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