i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
