I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
