I'll bet she douches with gravy.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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