my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
