i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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