JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
