I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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